rain on me, holy spirit
bleed on me, lamb of god
breathe on me, inspiration
cause what i need is who you are

it's not that i don't believe you surround me
it's just that i want to know you completely
so bring your word back to me in the right way
so i can know you

tell the truth
i'll change my mind
follow your way not my way
so i can know you

and i believe you are there
and you are waiting for me
so i can know you

so meet me here in my prayer
oh my god, i implore you
so i can know you

"know you" by tom conlon

tonight i happened to play tom's first cd as i was sitting down to spend in prayer & with my journal. several songs played as i wrote & prayed. all of the sudden i paused & heard the beginning of this song. i immediately had to stop and absorb the song and all that it means to me. many days & nights during undergrad, this song gave me just enough to press on, whether it was the cd playing or a friend playing on the guitar just for me.

it continues to reach deep within me to invite worship to come forth. it helps to usher me into the arms of jesus to even be able to ask him what his way is for my life and to willingly change my thoughts to line up with his. through these words i can declare my faith to him that sometimes feels lacking.

in the same way that jesus encounters the paralytic in mark by first forgiving his sins and then second healing his body (only to prove his authority to the scribes), i wonder what things jesus has done first in my life when i've wanted the second. his reason is inverse to my earthly reasoning. if i encountered a paralytic, or just someone who has been wounded by words, it would be a whole lot easier for me to say i forgive you that it would be to say you're healed. but what reality do i live in and in whose power do i forgive? i need jesus, especially when i think i don't.

a comparison

I look for many models of pray - be it Hannah's prayer or a Davidic Psalm. I must assume that Nehemiah's prayer is a good model. I noticed some similarities between how Jesus teaches us to pray and how Nehemiah prays:

Our Father who is in heaven, hallowed be your name.

I beseech You, O LORD God of heaven, the great and awesome God,

Your kingdom come your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

who preserves the covenant and lovingkindness for those who love Him and keep His commandments,

(praying to our Father, declaring His everlasting covenant with us - the kingdom)

Give us this day our daily bread.

let Your ear now be attentive and Your eyes open to hear the prayer of Your servant which I am praying before You now, day and night, on behalf of the sons of Israel Your servants,

(there is an immediate need)

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

confessing the sins of the sons of Israel which we have sinned against You; I and my father's house have sinned. We have acted very corruptly against You and have not kept the commandments, nor the statutes, nor the ordinances which You commanded Your servant Moses.

(we have debts, forgive us Father, we have been scattered)

And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Remember the word which You commanded Your servant Moses, saying, 'If you are unfaithful I will scatter you among the peoples; but if you return to Me and keep My commandments and do them, though those of you who have been scattered were in the most remote part of the heavens, I will gather them from there and will bring them to the place where I have chosen to cause My name to dwell.'

(reconnect us with you Father, return us to Your ways, make our paths straight. May we delight again in being with You in the land of our Father's father, in the land where Your name dwells. Bring the kingdom Father.)

For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

They are Your servants and Your people whom You redeemed by Your great power and by Your strong hand. O Lord, I beseech You, may Your ear be attentive to the prayer of Your servant and the prayer of Your servants who delight to revere Your name, and make Your servant successful today and grant him compassion before this man.

(Father may your will be done here today. You work towards redemption. May we be redeemed unto your kingdom. May we live more and more in it everyday. Your name has power forever.)

I see a lot of connections between these two prayers. How much do I long to live in the place where God has chosen His name to dwell! How joyful am I that He dwells in me! The kingdom coming is a city being built. God will reign.

Jesus is awake

The beginning of Mark groans as one waking up from a slumber. Once hope has arrived the passage begins to move. Simon and Andrew join the flood, James and John too. The unclean spirit recognizes Jesus and calls Him the Holy one of God. Jesus rebukes the unclean spirit and it cries out, leaving the man. The flood pours forth. Immediately the news about Jesus spreads everywhere (vs 28). Immediately Jesus goes to the house of Simon and Andrew (vs 29). They immediately began speaking to Jesus about their mother-in-law (vs 30). The next verse slows as Jesus carefully and compassionately raises the woman and takes her hand, healing her. Her response to His love is to serve.

I can relate to Jesus up to this point. I like this. He works fast and well but slows to help and love people. This is an image of Jesus I like. But the passage continues.

After the sun sets the entire city comes to the door of this house. These people had heard of the flood and brought the ill and the demon-possessed. Jesus heals them after hours. I'm not sure if I'm willing to take from my rest to do the works of the Lord. I seem to lose sleep over many things, not usually serving. Jesus is awake. The kingdom is at hand.

But Jesus is not here to deal only with physical issues of sickness; He has come for something more. Early the next morning Jesus leaves the house to pray in a secluded place. His companions didn't even know where He was. This is a picture of Jesus that I have a hard time being like or even wanting to be like. My early morning attempts at solitude with the Lord are head-bobbing fests with slowly closing eyes. Jesus did not consider his task complete at just working for God, He desired to be with God. Praying was important to Jesus. It was more important than recovering physically from a long day of serving the Lord. Jesus at all times believes that the issue isn't physical but spiritual.

I want to be more and more like Jesus. I want to work for the Lord but always value my time with the Lord over my serving others for Him. Works are a response to the love He pours out on us. In the midst of how immediate everything seems around me, I want to take time to seclude myself and pray to the God who doesn't sleep. The flood is not the works of our hands but Jesus' words: "The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel."

We must pray.

Being a teacher

Once school started on Tuesday, all of me was invaded by my profession. However, looking out at 24-30 students 1st-6th period everyday was still unreal to me. It was an overwhelming week to say the least.

Today, I began to pray. My prayer has also been invaded by thoughts about teaching, my fears, my stress, my excitement, etc. What was amazing during this time of prayer was how God reminded me that He has it in control, and with His help, I'll be fine. There were two things that stood out to me as I prayed: Dewey and the sunrise.

I was thanking God for Dewey--his support and encouragement, his keeping up the home front, his willingness to listen to my stories about everything that happened that day, his contributions to my lesson plans, and his love....how he can just hold me, and it all feels a little better. As I prayed this, I could see God's hand working in me through Dewey.

Everyday, I drive about 30-35 minutes to get to school taking the back roads. There is this one stretch of road where the speed limit goes up to 55, and the sunrise over the fields never ceases to amaze me. It is somewhat dark when I leave home, but by the time I reach those fields, the sun is rising and the clouds turn beautiful colors. I thank God for that sunrise. I get so caught up in making sure everything is perfect for the day, that it would be easy to forget about God. It would be easy to not be aware of what He is doing around me, through me, and in me...until I see that sunrise. I did not really think about it until I was thanking Him for it today, but that sunrise brings clarity to my day. He reminds me that He is bigger and more beautiful than anything I could possible do while attempting to teach those "kids" (who are almost all bigger than me!).

I thank God for reminding me of all His is and for doing that while I'm praying.

Appropriate Beginnings

I started to commit to praying on Sunday. I feel that I know how to pray and can pray, yet feel there is so much to learn, so much depth that I am missing. Over the years, though, I have realized the loss of my focus for praying for individuals. So, that's what I concentrated on. And, as you can imagine, the problems I ran into were so stereotypical. I began praying intently and then found myself, five minutes later, thinking about a subject so far off from where the prayer began that I realized my focus was shot. Later that day I tried again, and drifted off to sleep. Finally, I set aside some time in the evening and was interrupted. Here is the point of tension, the ability to not give up when it is difficult, yet not push through so that the task can be checked as finished; the difficulty in engaging my mind without and jettisoning my heart, and vice-versa. An appropriate beginning.